At this moment
You know how people like to tack the words "in bed" on the end of fortune cookie sayings? Well, Brad and I have started doing something similar when talking about Eva. Only ours is, "at this moment." It goes like this, for example: one of us will say something like, "wow, Eva likes to be read to!" And the other one says, "at this moment."
The day I had the insight to add "at this moment" to the end of any observation about Eva was the day I reclaimed just a little bit of my sanity. Babies -- at least this baby and at this age -- just aren't very predictable and it's dangerous to start making predictions and having expectations of any kind. That way lies stress and many, many tears. Trust me on this one.
The lack of expectations does go both ways, thankfully. After a particularly awful night of wailing until midnight, I'm tempted to expect the worst from her until she's 18. But then the next day will be relatively easy.
Have I mentioned yet that this is the hardest thing I've ever done? Harder even than the six and a half hours of pushing to get the little beast out of me. Harder than 10 months of pregnancy, with the sickness and the aches and pains and the exhaustion. I can't count the number of times I've told myself that I'm not the right person for this job. But then, I have to add "at this moment" to the end of all my thoughts of that kind, too. Because there are also moments where I find unimaginable reserves of patience and care inside me.
I'm holding out for first time she really smiles at us. At the risk of having an expectation, I imagine that smile will do a lot to sustain me.
Comments
When she smiles at you you'll forget all the problems you ever had.
Posted by: simon | 2:14AM, 02.04.09
I think back to how many times and how many different people told me how much my life would change after having a baby. And as annoyed as I was everytime someone said it... man, were they right. I had no idea.
You do such a good job of putting your experience into words. I wish I would have done a better job of writing to Elayna and I SO wish I had something like this from my mom!
Posted by: julie | 2:54PM, 02.04.09
Aw, thanks Julie.
I just hope Eva doesn't read this someday and think all I did was complain about her!
Posted by: Andrea | 6:29PM, 02.04.09
All I gotta say is right on Andrea, right on.
Posted by: Jill | 9:34PM, 02.05.09
oh, i remember this so clearly. and yes, it will all dissolve with the smiles.
(and i think this is my 1st time commenting here! congratulations on your beautiful little one.)
Posted by: kilowatthour | 8:06AM, 02.08.09
Hi and welcome, kilowatthour! Glad to hear another reassurance that the smiles will make it better.
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