I've had this blog post in my head for a few days now, but haven't had the chance to write it down. It's about how, at least in these first couple of weeks of motherhood, everything - no matter how mundane - is in relation to the baby. It's a disconcerting feeling, as though I've become nothing but a ball of maternal instinct, with no conscious control over myself. And I'm someone who likes to have control over myself.

I will probably never forget the low point of sleep deprivation I experienced a couple of nights ago. We'd had an amazingly good day. Eva was happy and sleeping and eating well, and Brad and I decided we were brave enough to put her in her car seat and take her to Target to pick up a few things. She slept the entire time. The day continued to go well and we didn't have any problems with her. We were amazed and elated. Somehow, we were in such great spirits we forgot about the impending night and neither of us took any naps during the day. We wasted all of her good sleep time with errands and getting things done.

That night, she had a huge meltdown around midnight. She screamed and screamed and her face and her whole body turned almost purple, her voice got scratchy with all the screaming. This lasted for a couple of hours. We tried everything and couldn't fix it. I still remember a moment when I was in the bathroom and Brad had Eva, and everywhere I looked and saw anything circular - a shadow, the open bottle of Ibuprofen - all I saw was a wide open, hungry baby mouth.

Later that night when she was finally sleeping again, I heard the humidifier gurgle and I thought she was spitting up. A cat meowed downstairs and I thought it was Eva crying. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and I fully expect Eva to still be attached to my breast, but no - she's sleeping in her bassinet.

It's a surreal world, having a new baby. It isn't quite so strange when you can manage to accumulate a few hours of sleep here and there. Last night was the best night we've had since she was born. But I'll still nap today; I won't make that same mistake again.