Lack of sleep turns me into a big ball of worry. Which is not a good thing, since I never know if I'll be able to sleep decently or whether I'll be up every hour (as I was last night). The various pregnancy-related issues that keep me up at night are completely unpredictable. I never know if I'll be able to sleep, or if I'll have too much leg and hip pain or heartburn or bladder-related abuse from the baby (or some combination of the above). I've gotten to the point where I'm nervous to go to bed so I stay up past the point of exhaustion (Brad tried for an hour last night to get me to admit I was tired and I wouldn't).

So this morning after a crappy night, I pretty much melted down before I'd even left the house. I've been muddling through the day ever since. I'm not feeling sorry for myself; I don't feel like life has been unfair or anything like that. I just don't always have the stamina to deal with everything that's been thrown at me lately. There is so much to worry about that there are times I find it quite impossible to be optimistic and instead I crumple under the weight of all there is to figure out, all the contingency plans and possible outcomes and the (self-imposed) pressure to do everything I can to help make sure that all the challenges in life right now turn out as well as they possibly can.

In reality, though, there's very little I can do about any of it and that's probably what's driving me the most crazy today. My dad is just going to get through this cancer (and the deep vein thrombosis, and the abscesses, and the colostomy, and the chemo and radiation that will start soon) as well as he can and I can't do that for him. Brad is going to find a job when he finds a job and I can't do that for him either. I can try to be a healthy pregnant person, but so much of pregnancy is out of your own personal control, and as many plans as I'd love to make about labor and delivery, a lot of that will be out of my control also. Who knows what kind of baby we've got here and how well we'll adjust to taking care of her? And who knows what maternity leave will be like, and whether Brad will be around to help out in the first few weeks like we'd originally planned, and what our childcare plans will be after maternity leave? There's no way to really plan any of that right now when we don't know what Brad's work situation will be and what our income will be.

There are a million questions and very few answers and I'm usually able to handle it but on days like this, it really gets to me.

And I'll close with my mantra of late: I'm sure it will all be fine. We'll return to your regularly scheduled optimism as soon as possible.