Time passes
Recently I finished reading Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson, and this book, among other things, has launched me head-first into an existential funk.
Einstein was clearly a person who lived life to the fullest. He was brilliant, passionate, and vibrant. He wasn't without flaws, though; he was often described as cold to his closest friends and family. Those people who seemed to tie him down with obligation and responsibility were pushed away, yet he formed all sorts of close relationships with all sorts of interesting people. He was described as a loner, but a loner who (based on this book) seemed to have a whole lot more friends than me. And even on his deathbed, Einstein was thinking about political activism and theories of the universe.
I'm almost 30 years old and I've been expecting all these years to at some point have a clue about why I'm here and what small thing I could possibly contribute to the world. It's not for lack of trying. I've tried a lot of methods to figure this out over the years. And it's not happening. And I'm not sure it ever will. Instead, I just get out of bed and get through another day and breathe some oxygen and burn some gasoline and put some more stuff into a landfill. I think all my life I've simply tried to walk softly and not squish any bugs. I've tried to be a nice person and do as little damage in this life as I could, but that's starting to not feel like enough.
Comments
Oh dear. I recommend not being in an existential funk but that's pretty rich coming from me.
Instead, I'll tell you that you're contributing a great deal of beauty and kindness to the world because you really are. You may not be able to see it but we can, and it means a great deal.
Also? Turn that frown upside down.
*ducks and runs away*
Posted by: jane | 2:36PM, 09.12.07
Note to self: Don't read that book.
Posted by: jane | 2:36PM, 09.12.07
They say that working to better the lives of others is very satisfying (a.k.a. the key to enduring happiness). I wouldn't know, but that's what They say.
Putting sun stickers on your face and giggling like an idiot in the mirror might help, too. I'm pretty sure Einstein did that regularly.
Posted by: Erik R. | 2:49PM, 09.12.07
Jane: this is the part where I'm supposed to say thank you, right? I'm always fuzzy on that part.
Erik: ok
Posted by: andrea | 9:32PM, 09.12.07
P.s.: Turn that frown upside down? Am I going to have to psychically transmit some more germs your way?
Posted by: andrea | 9:34PM, 09.12.07
Jane - I seem to remember you saying recently that you hate it when people try to cheer you up when you're in a bad mood...
I can sympathise with the "What's the point of me?" thing. Bear in mind that Einstein himself, for all his achievements, was probably dissatisfied too. People who feel they've done enough are the ones with low standards and expectations.
Posted by: simon | 2:50AM, 09.13.07
See, I was trying to mitigate [a] any urge to thank me and [b] any idea that I was trying to cheer you up by inserting the "turn that frown upside down" bit.
I was merely pointing out something important and relevant that tall the rest of us can see in you.
Please, please do not psychically transmit any more germs my way. I'm just starting to feel better.
Posted by: jane | 6:41AM, 09.13.07
I totally get that that was what you were doing. You know any comment like that deserves an empty threat in response, though. It's like a law of nature.
(I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel better, though!)
Posted by: andrea | 11:26AM, 09.13.07